new ends

so last night as i'm lying in the same bed i've had for.. 4 years now, i couldn't help but think back to this blog. this blog that i've abandoned to write all my thoughts and dreams and other deep stuff of the sara nature. so! here i am. back. i have this class that is online on thursdays around this time, and so i figured i ought to go home and write in here. i want to write regularly to now thursdays around 1, expect a new post. i'm quite excited about this. mostly for myself so i can get out of my own head. for those readers who are not aware, i'm engaged. very and extremely happy about this. his name is saul. he's short and brazilian. perfect for me. is it necessary to say that he's short and brazilian? not to the average person but if he and i were separated in a crowded room and i told you those adjectives about him, you would sure as heck find him. i can't go on and on about how i feel when i'm around him and how he makes me feel adventurous and alive or how he has this tiny freckle that looks like a heart... too far? absolutely. do i care? not at all. lol due to the fact that i probably have 1 reader and i pray with all my might that that 1 reader does not know me or my situation at all. when i say situation, i mean life. but for the other people who happen upon this mess, i'm sorry. you get to hear the sad ups and downs of a delightful teenagers life. spelling counts here but punctuation? not exactly. so yea! i'm back. thursdays are my writing days. i never know what to write here but i'll just start spilling out my guts. saul and i were going to elope. yes. it's true. enough of that. but i'm currently going to school. i want to finish up my darned associated degree. gol. no one needs it anyway. saul still opens up the door for me. i've known him for 4 years now. oh yea, i knew him when i was a sophomore in high school. he played soccer with allen and came over to our house quite frequently. i planned on writing something really extravagant on this time back. like thank you's or something but that did not happen. but it still can! thank you kinda feminist aunt for making me into a somewhat headstrong woman. and also my abuelita for the stubborn part. for will for caring enough to print out my blog so i can have a physical copy, for justin for breaking me down so i can build myself back up. (good breaking down), for reed.. for helping me realize the exact person i can and want to be. countless english professors for your garbling on and on about sweet bippies and apa formatting. allen for teaching me the person i don't want to be, andi for being independent, dad who... ya know. being dad. sir, for teaching me how to fly fish. :) mutter for loving unconditionally. for my mom who gets uptight about everything and yet we still happen to love her. and saul. the thing is, i can't say thank you cause english is a flawed language that does not have the words adequate enough to express how i feel. for alyssa for showing me the right way to do things. and thanks to me. for healing my blasted wrist so i don't have to type all of this with one hand. lets get real here. but i am not officially going to be a left handed person. someone told me that it would open up the creative side of me. i thought i was pretty creative before but i want to see what i'm like after. i'll probably explode. that's what is most likely to happen. and thanks v for vendetta. no words explain. ahhhhh. that's all i got. now i must slump to math class where our substitute teacher looks like a troll and talks like one too. i can seriously not understand a word she says. good thing i already taught myself the new material! wazoo! until next thursday. lol i'm going to like sayan that.

The Fuzz and Skeeters

oh! i failed to mention that i did in fact get pulled over last night...for the first time ever. :) my dad tells me i'm cute so i'm starting to believe it. i only got off with a meer warning. he said next time he'll have to give me a ticket. unfortunately for him, i'm still a pickett and i can talk my way out of almost anything. and when i rolled down my window, 5 mosquitoes flew into my car. i'm swatting them away as i talk to officer jodi (a man) but i currently have 5 bites on my legs from the traumatizing event. not getting pulled over but the mosquitoes in teh car. why did God put them on the earth? no one likes them! curses.

Flaming Gorge: An Adventure Awaits

hallo erryone! here i am again.i hardly know what to write. it feels like i have so much to say and not enough time to write. it's late and i want to go to bed but i need to get my thoughts down. i feel hurt, heartbroken, but optimistic for the future. okay! so as many of you know, i'm in flaming gorge for the entire summer. seriously. no joke. the first week i got here, my first thoughts were "what the crap am i doing here?" but now i'm used to the routine. even though there is hardly no routine. because i'm the nooobie here, i work mornings. i have to be at work at 6 a.m. and i finish by 2:30. i know. it sounds long... and it is. i'm not much of a morning person as it is but now that i have to be friendly to people at that time? holy! forget that. no no. i'm nice. but i think that the mornings are going to kill me slowly. like it doesn't bother me now but i hardly sleep at night and then i have to be up early. that's a crazy mess. many people tell me to nap. i really wish i could nap. and i did once! it was most glorious but i can't nap when it's light out. i know. sucks. so i get home from work and i usually go for a run. there's this really nice run that has an overlook at the end. it's very pretty. i go there and think. i feel like winnie the pooh and have a thinking spot. wow. that sounded terrible. never again am i referring to winnie the pooh when talking about my spot. ha but if i don't go for a run, i'll watch a movie, or attempt to get on facebook and catch up with life. what life? i keep asking myself that because i left many of my high school friends behin. i'm not sure what i'm talking about. i think i'm mostly only rambling so i don't have to go to bed. finally the weather is warming up here. i'm excited to jump into the lake. it'll be freezing but sometimes you need that shock in life. the shock hasn't hit me that this is my life here. i keep thinking about my life is murray and what i would be doing. it's the summer so probably be working and hanging out with some of my friends that are home. but my dad helped me realized that i can't really dwell on the past and how things could've been. this is the only time i will ever have this experience in my entire life. i won't be coming back to do this. once in a lifetime. so i pick myself up by the bootstraps and continue on. life is fun. there's so much to experience and we all need to get out there and have those experiences. maybe i'm going a little deep... oh wait. i know i am. i'm excited to be out here. i meet new people all the time. about a week ago, these two dudes from san francisco came in and they came in every night or day for a good week. they were definitely liberals and i would always talk to them and they seemed genuinely curious about my life. don't you enjoy people? it seems like hardly anyone cares about your life because they're too busy with theirs so when someone asks, you can help but blurt out everything. but i didn't. i tried not to seem too obnoxious.
         so, i guess i'll get to the more interesting part about my blog that everyone is always curious about. my situation with guys. this has become a recently touchy subject. you see, my boyfriend of a month and i have broken up. yea. so tragic. many of you may be asking, "what happened to that missionary boy?" well you see, he didn't want me putting my life on hold. so i dated. only a little. you all know my awkward ginger date. and i didn't really go on many after that. till i met this one fellow. he's definitely a fascinating person. we hit it off at the start. he made me a crepe and i instantly fell in love. but i think our downfall is that we fell in love too quickly and didn't become friends first. i know i could turn to him with any problem but i didn't feel like he would fix it. so i didn't tell him anymore. and then about a week later, i came here and our only means of communication were talking and texting. i hate talking on the phone. i don't know why. maybe because i'm always the listener and i want to get my point across. he didn't really allow me to do this. when we did have something to say (which was hardly ever) it was him talking. that got quite annoying cause i would try to interject but it wouldn't work. and then when i got frustrated with him, he always asked why i was frustrated and i never could realize why... until now when i step back and look. so that was this morning. still definitely a touchy subject. i'm alright though. and i know he is. so i'm still in love with my missionary. it's very true. holy! i think a mouse ran into our stove. freak. i really hope not! tonight i went to fireside with my cousin from vernal. a dude definitely asked for my number. i still got it going on... ;) until late my friends!

whtevr

te lo prometo. spanish phrase i learned today.

The Power of "No"

i went on a date tonight. let me describe it before i place any words specifically on it....  i met this fellow on wednesday of last week in an institute class that my friend made me go to. she did not want to go alone so she dragged me along. i went and saw many a cute men. all of them were rm's of course. something to be wary about. after class, this kid walks up to me and starts talking to me. i try to brush him aside because the most gorgeous looking of them all was staring at me. no such luck. he keeps talking. this kid is maybe 5'8" with one heck of a schnoze and light red hair. this is one kid that doesn't really make friends but he thinks he's the schiz. i let him keep talking thinking i would never see him again after that class. nope! he asked for my number and i reluctantly gave it to him. i don't know why i did. i tend to feel bad about saying "no" to things of that nature. i think my friend quickly ran away before this guy could get 2 words out. she is sneaky good. so it's now thursday (today) and during my lunch break at school, he calls me and asks me on a date. i'm curing the entire time but i think, hey, what can it hurt...? he picks me up at my house at 7:30. that's when the real fun begins. he comes inside to meet my family. he asked me if my parents were my parents. they're the only adults in the house so i found it obvious. maybe not. he asks my dad if he was the principal over at kearns seminary and asks is he knows his sister. my dad erases all memory of students he's taught but my dad is of course polite and says "maybe". we''ll call my date mcfly. mcfly then proceeds to ask my father his name. if there's one thing to know about my dad is that he is high and mighty and you better be older than him and calling him by his first name or he better respect you. i found this surprising when he asked. my dad responds by telling him "pickett". the family giggled at this remark but mcfly didn't. he was really wanting to find out his name. he asks again and my dad responds the same. he asks my mom but didn't receive much of an answer from her. i tell my parents we're leaving and walk out the door but he is still on my porch, talking to them inside of the house. he finally comes down and opens my door. what a nice gentleman.... he turns on the car and then we talk for 5 mins about what the plans are. he was giving me options. yes i found this nice but i figured since he asked me on the date, he better damn well know what we're doing. he decides we go to trafalga. trafalga is a family entertainment center. it's got a rock climbing wall, laser tag, mini golf, go-karts, ya know, some fun sounding stuff. it seriously takes him like 10 mins on what activity we're going to participate in. this made me frustrated but i stood off to the side. i was too far away to ask for advice on what to do but not too far to where he would lose sight of me. he would've blown a top. mcfly decides on go-kart, mini golf and laser tag. i'm okay with those choices. we go outside to ride go-karts. this course is about as big as my kitchen. for those of you who haven't been in my house, that would be so tiny that you could hardly fit one kart on it. i tell him that he's "going down" and he tells me to take it easy. i wasn't freaking out. stop telling me to take it easy. he tells me this at least 25 times throughout the entire night. i win. por suputesto. we then go to laser tag which was indoors. thank goodness because it was about 34 degrees outside.and while i ran around trying to get away from him, that was the most fun i had all evening. after the game, he asked me why i didn't stay with him during the game. afterwards we go do min golf... outside. well, first off, he couldn't decide whether he wanted indoors or outdoors. i picked indoors and then he whined about that, and then i said outdoors and he whined about that. i then grabbed my club and ball and walked outside. we played and i ended up winning. again. we then head home. he's a terrible driver. that's what happens when you go on a mission and not drive for 2 years. i offered to drive. no such luck. he asks what we should do now. i'm screaming in my mind to take me home. nope! he wants dessert and since nothing is open at 10 at night, we go to harmons. we buy pop tarts and hot chocolate mis. he asks the harmons man to make hot chocolate for us. he does but not happily. i was quite embarrassed about this.we have our hot chocolate and i'm thinking it's time to go home. definitely not time yet. he wants to go to the magical gazebo! what gazebo?! it's so cold outside and i only want to be home. we got to the gazebo and i'm sure that there have been many o' orgy's (sp?). he thinks it's the greatest place ever. we talk and he comes to the conclusion that i'm a rebel. i can accept this. he comes from a family of 12. 12! we talk about families and he asks me how old i want to be when i start my family. i tell him out of college and starting my job. he tell me that i can get married now. he knows i'm only 18 btw. i tell him that i'm way too young and he disagrees. he talks my ear off about age and marriage. i tune out and listen to the inappropriate rap songs that i put on the radio. i was in charge of the music after all. he then tells me his hands are cold and asks if i would like to make them warm. i tell him no thank you and that maybe he ought to stick his hands under his legs to warm them. he does this, lets go of the wheel and we almost crash into a building. we finally get to my house. mcfly and i walk up to my doorstep and we talk for a little. i'm ready to go inside now so i tell him goodnight. he hugs me and then tells me we'll have to go on another date. he asks what my schedule is like and the only word i can get out before i close the door is "busynight!" i get inside my house and curse up and down that i'm never doing that again. ever ever ever. EVER! so, that was my date from hell. super awkward rm. i accidentally slipped a holy hell and he almost had a heart attack. he also insisted on opening up my door when i exited a car. i didn't listen and open my own dang door. when i step into a car, sure! get my door. when i get out, i'm not going to wait for your sorry butt to walk around and grab it. i've got two hands and if they're not opening my door, they're in my pockets so i don't have to touch you. oh man. why did i say yes?! i'm in college now and i will from now on exercise my right to say no. i'm doing it from now on. so thank you, mcfly, for allowing me to realize this. now with a bitter, awkward after taste in my mouth (no. no. kissing. we only touched to hug) i bit you farewell awkwardly with the words of george mcfly, "lou. give me a milk...chocolate."

11 months and more to come

11 months ago today, i met the most sincere, kind, patient, passionate, and loving man i have yet to meet. one must think that this isn't possible or there is a catch. no catch. except him. he makes me feel important and alive, he wants me to live each day my own way. he says he feels blessed just to be apart of it. he believes in me and everything i do. he recently wrote me..."you have enough ambition in life to feed a small country." he makes me laugh and want to be better. i know i am a better person because of it and i'm grateful for his example. he's currently in the provo mtc. he's such a good man for making the decision to go on a mission. i can't help but feel that i've been left behind of the most excellent journey anyone has ever been on, mostly because i want to be on it with him. now i have me own journey. my opportunity is to take control of my life and excel at anything i want to do. and i know i can do it because he has faith in me. 11 months ago i met him. only 24 to go till i can see him again.

Icicles

i hate it w hen people knock down icicles. my little brother knocked all of mine down. i was quite upset. now i can't look at them and think about how much time goes into that. lame that i'm thinking of icicles rather than writing a really important interview schedule for class. i also juts found out that i just took 2 tylenol p.m. rather than the regular kind. i don't want to sleep! it frustrates me that i didn't look at the bottle beforehand and i just took them.oh man. this ought to be a fun evening. i'm supposed to plan something exciting to do but i can't think of anything. no homework sounds very idea. end of semester always makes me scared for my life. the fun thing is, is the fact that i can choose to go back to school in the spring or stop all together. i can make decisions for myself because i'm a big girl. my house is silent and it makes me very concerned for my life. jj i just remembered that my mom and sisters went to the library. hallelujah! woops. got distracted with school work for a second there. ew. :) at least i'm getting it done... i'll keep working. God speed.

Teh Sky is Purple

good day everyone! i have neglected coming on here due to the fact that i do not have 5 spare minutes in my day to write whatever i want. but right now, i have all day. so now it's a tad odd because i have nothing to write about. i could say that i have a love for sushi thanks to my most best friend ever. umm... i'm also in love with my best friend. don't tell him that. could end up awkward.... ;) life is more than crazy right now. i have to figure out what i'm going to do with my life! i have to figure out how to keep myself entertained for the next 10 months until my brother comes home. i have a feeling that i will be bored too much and find myself at home all too often watching reruns of shows that i've already seen. my nights will be filled with endless amounts of homework that everybody has and complains about but the problem is, i will actually do my homework and then have nothing to do the other nights. wow. this is just a post about how bored i'll be. sorry folks. this is no fun. lets just update you on my life. i live at home. i have a boyfriend. even though i don't like that word because it sounds so immature. i have a gentleman-friend. i go to a community college. i'm like everyone else and wishes for an adventure. last night, i witnessed a dogs eye popped out of it's socket. but not my dog. whew! that would be absolutely terrifying. i'm poor. meaning me. not my family. even though..... leave it at that. occasionally i still have to babysit my younger siblings even though i am in college. i have a curfew. i'm sure i always will. it snowed about a foot yesterday. my little brother and i took turns shoveling what seemed like every half hour. twas nuts! if i had proper snow gear, i'm sure i would love the snow. i'm sure i would be out there all the time. rolling in it and making snow forts. snowmen.... the snowy works! but it chills my bones and just makes me grumpy at my family. my little sister is currently getting her tonsils taken out. i'm sure the skilled hands of the doctor are done by now and she's probably yapping up a storm with all the anesthesia. i'm crossing my fingers she won't be like that when she comes home. i had my tonsils taken out over the summer and it hurt. i can only imagine the pain she's going to go through.
       ssooo. more updates. i love watching america's next top model. love it. i think it's great. doesn't have too much drama involved so that's a good sign. i love watching scrubs with my gentleman-friend. he's the one that got me into it. i love watching a new series on pbs called sherlock. ah-mazing i tell you! my mom just came in with my little sister. they gave her a blanket. they give little kids blankets when they get their tonsils out. my mom just asked me what im writing. i told her whatever i wanted to. and this is what you, as the reader, has to deal with if you read this insane diary of mine that is upon the interweb. i want to print all these pages out and put them in my physical journal. i will do that when i have a day where i have nothing to do. in about 6 months i will. crap. now that my mom is home, i'm done writing on here. i don't want her to read over my shoulder and she makes me do stuff. can't she understand to leave me alone while i'm writing...? it's just one of those things that you don't mess with. writing time is sacred time. goodness. okay. i'll be done writing before i have a mental breakdown online. lololol not. until next time!   

The Thing

do you know what the worst part is? it's the fact that life will go on the same tomorrow and there's nothing you can do to change it. the decision is made and you will wake up knowing he'll be gone. you'll wake up and realize that he won't be a phone call away. no one will hear you. and the sad thing is, no one will care. they'll brush it off like dust on an old piano. the sad thing is, i'm too wrapped up in my life to care either. the sad thing is, is the fact that i don't care. it's worse that i don't care how you will feel. but when my time comes...when he leaves, that's when i'll realize your pain. i'll realize all the suffering you went through and then i'll pity myself and feel sad that i wasn't there for you and no one was there for me. that's the sad thing. the sad thing is, is the fact that tomorrow won't matter. the only thing that will be important is to hold yourself so tightly that you don't fall apart. you don't want to lose yourself in the madness. stay inside your own head and focus your thoughts there. the deed has been done and there's nothing you can do about it. nothing to stop it. so, the only person you can rely on from now on...is yourself. That's The Sad Thing.

Umm..

sorry everyone... i've been on a little ranting spree lately. it all comes with being a rockstar i guess. but i'm back and i'm in show business! but pony and trisha? you guys poop on parties. hardcore. so, not much going on around here. hopefully i get to go on a trip to island park tomorrow. cross your fingers and pray with all your might. i want to go sooooo badly! spend some time with my BFF forever. ha quinci is gone in europe still. having loads of adventures that i only wish i was having and that i read in books. i've read a lot of those lately. maybe like 5 over the summer so far. i wish summer could last forever. i'm not ready for it to end. i haven't done everything i want to quite yet. oh well, i can't control time....or can i? :0 j.j. that stands for just joking. in case anybody wanted to know. oh! so i forgot to wear my retainer last night cause i couldn't find it in the dark (i got home kinda late) and so now my teeth feel funny. i think i'm going to wear it all day today so i can keep my teeth straight. my face is breaking out. normally my face doesn't receive blemishes but it had a different plan in mind. why can't i look pretty?! that's a common complaint i have against God. if i was pretty, life would be so much more easy. instead, my 9 year old sister has all the looks. trust me. my dad even said that. and i believe my dad. one day i will have my revenge. one day! so, i have to take this stupid test to get into SLCC. like, really? i received a $19,000 scholarship to westminster and i have to test to get into SLCC. how does that even make sense? they are lucky for me to be heading there! and they don't even realize it. nuggets. ok. well, i'm not ready for school. haven't even signed up for classes yet. need to do that as well. i don't like this whole getting old thing. well, i'm going to attempt to make myself look decent and take the bloody test. bugger! later!